Mobbing at Work
When covert abuse becomes overt and everyone piles on
I have been writing about the 10 stages of covert abuse at work.
This next phase, called mobbing, is especially painful for me to write about because of how harshly I experienced it myself.
It’s relatively easy to dismiss the actions of one narcissistic abuser who may be exhibiting a pathological syndrome that has nothing to do with you. But when I think about all the others he recruited or those who gleefully jumped on the bandwagon to attack and smear my name, it's far more painful. Add to the mix those who stood by and silently let it happen, it’s a level of confusion and betrayal that’s hard to process.
That’s why it was somewhat of a relief to me to understand the concept of mobbing in the workplace. Until recently I did not have a word for this abuse.
I had learned about “flying monkeys” – the folks the main abuser recruits to do their bidding and support the cause to smear your name.
I had learned about “upwards bullying”, when your own staff turns on you.
I had learned about “institutional betrayal”, when the organization you work for does not have your back; to the contrary, they take the abuser’s side and then try to get rid of you for daring to fight back.
And I knew about the “bystander effect”, when many stay silent to protect themselves or for other selfish reasons.
I experienced all of these and knew each was part of a pattern, but never tied it all together until someone told me I was the victim of mobbing. Then I realized I needed to understand this concept on a deeper level. It’s been difficult to process, which is my body telling me it’s resonating.
According to one definition, mobbing differs from workplace bullying:
Bullying is often, but not always, hierarchical in which a person with more power, per designated position or social influence, targets a single individual with less power for abuse. In contrast, mobbing is non-hierarchical and involves a group of perpetrators who collectively gang up on the victim for the sole purpose of pushing her out. Mobbing is a product of organizational dynamics that establish “in-groups” and “out-groups,” operate under a veil of secrecy, discourage questioning, lack due process, and are more interested in preserving outward appearances than getting curious about entrenched problems (Duffy and Sperry, 2014).
This all sounds very familiar. Here is a summary of my own experience.
A volunteer at the organization I founded and led pretended to be my friend; all the while he was lying about me and recruiting others to smear my name behind my back, over a a two-year period. That set into motion a cascade of mobbing that included:
Staff who complained about me when questioned by the board chair about me behind my back. (I have to assume with leading questions, and the power imbalance / dynamic seems obvious.)
Board members who believed my abuser’s lies and decided to demote me without any legitimate justification or warning. One woman was harboring a secret hatred towards me that she suddenly unleashed.
Colleagues, co-workers, and consultants who watched what was happening and said nothing to warn me or try and stop it.
Colleagues, co-workers, and consultants who accepted my fate at face value and did not bother asking any questions.
Other colleagues who ghosted me as soon as I no longer held power.
Once I was demoted (the abuser got my job, surprise!) the mobbing was upped several notches because now it was out in the open. To this day, I cannot use Slack because of how that tool was weaponized against me. Online mobbing is a real thing.
After 3 months of torture by my abuser and others, I could no longer take it and was forced to leave, very much against my will, due to various negative health impacts and the sense of hopelessness that set in. Of course ousting me altogether was the plan of the ringleader from the very beginning.
I have written before about the deep betrayal I felt (and still feel) from this experience. Most of the pain stems from the numerous relationships that suddenly disappeared, some of which I considered close friendships.
The experience made me question everything about these relationships. That’s the pain of betrayal: did I make these relationships up? Were we ever really friends? What does it even mean to be friends? Or even colleagues? Did I not really know these people? They clearly did not know me. How do people discard others so easily?
It’s all still so beyond my comprehension.
Almost four years later, I still don’t get it. But it helps to name the experience. And to write about it, as painful as it is to remember.
But I write in hopes of helping others feel less alone, as the worst part is the isolation. I am here to say if you have experienced this, you are not alone.
If you need assistance, you can find me here:
https://www.workplacetraumalawyer.com/